22/05/2011
He put a status on his bbm showing a 'sick emoticon'. I asked him right away about it. He said he got sick after he landed Jogja. He didn't even know how he became sick. It got worsen after he ate dinner he said.
He called when I had dinner in Central Park at Kiyadon with my brother and sister. His voice hoarse -hard voice-
I was worried. I asked him again whether he's gotten better. He said he had fever, flu and getting cough.
I couldn't say anything and wondered I wish I could be next to him right now.

Back to my room. I didn't know what I must do. I texted him on bbm telling him that I was worried. Yes, I honestly am (till now)! I also said that if he got worsen I don't mind travelling to Jogja with my brother just to take care of him. Well, I'm sorry if I sound too exaggerated but that's how worried I am till now.
I'm in my bed, flash back to the days before his flight. We had so much fights. We were tired cause we went out a lot, especially him, he drove the car like almost everyday so he went restless.

It keeps me wondering, "Is it me who makes him sick? Is it because of me that he is now suffering to his fever, flu and cough?". I couldn't sleep just thinking of it.
I feel really really bad for what I have done. I mean, saying sorry it's like a normal thing for me to say so I don't wanna say the word sorry. All I need to do is change my attitude towards him. Right??
I think all I need to do is:
I have to be patient. I have to change the way I talk to him. I must pay more attention to him.

Problems and Solutions

Problems:
* Salah paham.
* Sama-sama merasa benar.
* Melihat hanya satu sisi (negative saja maupun positive saja).
* Selalu ada yang kurang.
* Memiliki jalan pikiran yang berbeda.
* Cemburuan.

Solution:
Miscommunication:
Tidak berkomunikasi dengan baik. Mungkin penyampain aku atau cara bicara aku yang sedikit berbeda sehingga memancing emosi pada Rayyan.
Setiap kita ada plan pada diri masing-masing tidak saling memberi tahu maka terjadilah bentrok dan plan jadi kacau sehingga bikin aku emosi berat aka BETE.
Maka harus adanya saling memberi tahukan plan masing2 lebih awal sebelum plan Rayyan di jalankan.

Egois:
Sama-sama ngerasa benar dan tidak mau mengakui kesalahan satu sama lain. Aku akui level egois aku lebih tinggi dibanding Rayyan. ITU ADALAH KEKURANGAN AKU. EGO YANG TINGGI. Gimana kah cara menyelesaikan permasalahan ttg EGO?? Apa aku mesti mengalah dan Rayyan jg mengalah??

Fokus:
Hanya fokus pada satu sisi saja. Tidak memikirkan masa lalu yang pernah terjadi yang bisa dijadikan contoh untuk improvement. Sekali berpikir negative maka akan terpikir negative selama periode perjalanan. Tidak fokus pada nilai positive Rayyan.

Thankful:
Jangan lagi merasa ada yang kurang. Bersyukurlah udah memiliki pasangan seperti Rayyan yang bisa di jadikan contoh yang baik buat kebanyakan orang. Rayyan adalah cowo yang baik, patuh kepada orang tua, sabar, tidak pelit, ikhlas dsb. Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah...

Satukan:
Satukanlah pemikiran kita yang berbeda ini pasti akan match. Manusia emang diciptain berbeda-bedan maka cobalah untuk satukan perbedaan ini hingga menjadi cocok.

Trust:
Janganlah terlalu cemburu (buat Rayyan). Percayalah sama aku, aku ga mungkin macem2. Kita harus saling percaya, sayang. Karena kepercayaan kita ini yang akan membantu kita untuk maju dalam perkembangan hubungan kita.

Let the romantic dinner happen

14th May, 2011

Saturday night. It's been long to have spent our weekend together. He asked me what did I want for tonight and I answered "I have been wanting for a special dinner". He said, "How about dinner in Hotel Indonesia?". Omg, I was seriously surprised. That's not what I meant. "No honey, that's exaggerated". Then I thought maybe he wanted that place so I changed my dress quickly and put a little make up. He bbm-ed me saying that he's been downstairs waiting for me.
I texted him telling that I was about to go down and infront of the lift but my text wasn't delivered.
I walked slowly with my heels searching for him. There he was in the car and I was hoping for him to come out of the car right after I saw his car.
I saw him wearing blue striped-white shirt then I complained. Meanwhile I wore a dress with a black semi-blazer. I looked so formal. Then I said, "why don't you wear your blazer?". "Well, I don't feel comfortable wearing it. It's just a dinner, you know". "But...but... I thought we've agreed of having a special dinner. You should wear a little bit formal. You don't get it do you?". "No, I don't get what special dinner is and what I should wear. I'm just a homeboy. I came from village. I don't know such things. I don't know style". "Okay, let's go back to your place and change".
He was so pissed. He drove so fast.

After he changed his shirt we were roaming around from Central Jakarta to the South. He changed his mind of having dinner in HI because I said it would be so expensive especially during weekend. We didn't talk much in the car. I held my phone and texting. I didn't even see the road or where we were heading. Thank God the street was empty like unusual.

It was passed 8. We still didn't get any place to eat. I think I apologized and I told him I wanted peace. He chilled a little and said, "I might be tired of you doing this to me". I was shocked. I almost cried.

We stopped in Ratu Plasa. He chose to eat steak in Outback Steak.
Slowly by slowly the atmosphere between us became normal. We took pictures and talked, laughed... staring at each other's eyes and smiled.
I felt warm inside. I said, "I love you". Yes, deeply in love with you.

Finished our food around 10ish. He said he was sleepy so he wanted to go back home. I agreed silently. On our way home I blubbered, "OMG! It's only 10?!!Why don't we hang out? I mean, it's weekend. We hung out late last night with our friends, why don't we hang out just the of us till late??". He only replied, "I'm sleepy".
"Okay maybe he IS sleepy". Honestly, I was pissed. I mean, he wanted the special weekend but why we didnt hang out till late? He could hang out late night with my friends but with me? WHY NOT?
He suddenly said, "It's just that I dont feel like going out. I am not in the mood for that". I kept silent.

I called Andry and Ndo for a hang out after Rayyan dropping me home.
They both thought I was crying when I called them. They came to me right away in the lobby :)
Well, we actually didnt talk much about of what happened between me and Rayyan. But it helped me to calm down :)

I texted Rayyan but my text wasnt delivered. I knew he would turn off his phone.

I just wanted to talk to him.
I wanted to ask myself. Why am I like this towards him? Do I hurt him much? Am I the right girl for him?
I've changed a lot. A LOT... A LOT... I have never been this mean to any of my bf :(