"I knew I won't be sleeping tonight".
So many things in my mind.
My dad phoned me when I tried to sleep. I held my tears and talked with him calmly. I said silently, "Don't cry! Be a grown up girl!". It felt like holding my breath for so long, my heart was pumping so fast. I exhaled my breath after we hung up the phone. Then I turned on the music on my playlist. The slow and ballad songs were playing, the old songs that I used to listen in Doha were repeating. Suddenly, it reminded me of the old days. My mind turned back and flashed-back to a place where I grew up. I took my laptop, the background showed the collage photos of my lovely family and friends.
Tic...tic..tic. My tears finally fell down. I just couldn't hold it anymore. I miss them. I miss laughing with them. I miss being mad at them. I miss being cheered on by them. I miss their jokes. I miss eating with them. I miss being broke with them. I miss hanging out with them. I miss everything.
I clicked on the picture folder. I chose to open the videos. I watched the videos one by one. I thought this would calm me a little but NO! It made me cry more and more.
Then I remembered Kuya Oba. He used to come to my place and brought me my favorite pizza ie Papa John's pizza. I would be happy and smile again. But now is left by memories. I am here in my room looking at the pictures and videos.
My heart couldn't stop my fingers of texting Kuya. I knew he would call by any minutes. He said, "What happened to you? You sound like you're not okay. Tell me. I am here for you, adik.". I just kept quiet. My lips couldn't say anything but my tears kept on falling from my eyes. He heard me cry. All I said was, "I miss you all. I miss everyone". I told him to come online to make it cheaper hehe. He knew something must be going on here. He wanted me to tell him but I didn't. There was nothing I could tell. My mind was blank. I thanked Kuya for being there for me just right when I needed someone to lay on.

Selfishness

Dear Mr. R,

I am so sorry.. I always hurt your feelings. Never tried to understand you, never tried to listen to your heart, never tried to care more about you. I always know that I am selfish but I never tried to change.
You are always be the one who tried to listen to me, who tried to change for me, who tried to give me everything.
I know my mistakes but I am helpless, I can't do anything right now. I don't even know why myself made you sad, mad and jealous all the time. You must be tired of me now but you hid it from me. You don't want me to know it cause you don't want to disappoint me.

I am sorry for being selfish to you :(
I am sorry to make you jealous all the time.
I am sorry... I am sorry.. I am sorry and I really am.